I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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