I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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