dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
