I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Randomize
