I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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