it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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