Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
