Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
