You just made me feel so damn special
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
