you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
