erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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