about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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