she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
