guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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