I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
