Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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