you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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