so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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