I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
