Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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