someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
