Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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