I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
