2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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