Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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