i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
