2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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