So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
