i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
