Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
