we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
