Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
