Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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