i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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