It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
