Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
