Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
It was confusing and full of hummus
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
