There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Of course I have a pirate flag
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
