i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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