I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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