Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
