It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
