that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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