my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
