OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm like, not good at living.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
