You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
