Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
