If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
