Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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