We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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