I just pynch a tree in the face
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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