she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
