Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
