i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
